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My Testimony:  Learning the meaning of God’s amazing grace

Originally written by Brandon L. Burton on March 13, 2004

“No poet’s pen could ever write~ The pain one heart can feel~ Of trying to be worthy~ Knowing you never will~ No dreamer’s word could quite describe~ The beauty in that tree~ Where Jesus showed that God is great~ So I don’t have to be”

-- From the song “The Word is Mercy” from Christ Church Choir “He Has Been Good”  words and music by  Phil Johnson & C. Aaron Wilburn

It was in the springtime of 1993 that my life was unexpectantly and dramatically changed by God.  I had no idea what God had in store for my life when I began to visit the Hermitage Church of God in the suburbs of Nashville TN.  When I began to visit that church where God’s amazing love melted my heart, I was living a lost life of confusion, despair, shame, and hopelessness.  I had no direction, and I felt completely empty in my heart.  I had been living a life of trying to find things and people to fill that emptiness.  It was a life of trying to be worthy in order to be loved and accepted.

In order to better understand what God had done in my life, I think it is wise to explain where I had come from to get to this place where God saved me.  This will allow a better understanding of the dramatic change God brought to my life.  My testimony is not too different from many others’ in that I was a broken sinner and God saved me in spite of myself. 

The first few years of my life are full of happy memories of growing up in a middle class family in a middle class neighborhood.  I was well fed, well clothed, and well housed.  I believe there was a home of love.  All of that changed as I neared the age of 9. 

I most associate the 3^rd grade with the time that I watched my world crumble around me.  My mother, Tommye (Walker) Burton, was diagnosed with cancer.  After an intense battle, the cancer emerged the victor.  My mom had died.  She had fought to not leave her four boys of which I was the youngest.  I do not believe that any of our lives would ever be the same.  I do not even think I understood just how devastated I was at that time. I do know that year was incredibly traumatic. 

For reasons I did not understand at that time, I began to act out as my mother was dying.  I dreaded having to go to school.  I went to extreme behaviors in order to stay home near my dying mom.  In my childhood mind, I really believed that I wanted to stay home from school just because I was feeling “sick at my stomach.”  It was a time that tore at the fabric of my family.  My mother’s death completed the devastation. 

I think I went from shock to depression after my mom’s death.  The following years of my childhood and youth were marked by depression; a depression that I did not even understand.  In some ways, I thought I was doing better.  For example, I did not have a problem going to school after my mother’s death.  I did not excel in school, but I did not have a problem attending.  As a matter of fact, my grades suffered.  I barely passed most every year all of the way through high school.

Looking back on those times, I believe God was seeing me through even though I was unaware.  During some of those dark times of my mom dying, I look back and remember how I believed that I should have died at that time as well.  However, God brought me through.  I believe God was with me in the dark places. He was with me in the valley of the shadow of death.  I just did not understand any of that at that time. 

I believe some of the things He provided in the physical realm were friends/neighbors and seeds of His Word in church for a short time.  There were some incredibly loving neighbors named the Madormas that were a blessing.  They offered much comfort and warmth to me when I was utterly devastated.  I thank God for such people as the Madormas.  Also, my dad did take my brother Brett and I to church for a short time in the aftermath of my mom’s death.  I believe this was a time that God was able to sow seeds of His truth into my life.  I was baptized and prayed the sinner’s prayer in that little Baptist church in Northern Virginia.  I look back on that thinking that I was not fully aware of what all of that meant.  I could not have been more than 10 or 11 years old.  Judging how the next number of years of my life such as my teenage and early adulthood went, I often think I was too young to fully grasp and understand such spiritual matters.  After that brief time in church, I lived a life as the world lives.  I was lost and leading a life of sin, but there is more to this story.  It does not end here. 

In 1987 shortly after I graduated high school, I left Northern Virginia for the Army.  It was a way to leave home for a young man with no real direction.  During this time, God was really far from my mind.  I was living for myself.  I was living a lost life of sin.  I only cared about myself.  I was also starting to find new ways of numbing the pain in my heart.  My heart was utterly broken from my mother’s death, and those wounds were not getting any healing.  I still had not dealt with this pain. I only stuffed it away. I did not talk about it.  I acted like it did not bother me, and I believed that I could just put it all behind me.  That was my way of coping.  This way of coping was destructive.  I was trying to numb the pain with alcohol and relationships with women.  I was trying to find love and acceptance in relationships with women, and I continued to try to numb the pain with alcohol in increasing quantity.  To add to my unhealthy ways, I was married and divorced at an extremely young age while in the army.  There was a baby that was central to that situation.  To me, it was another failure in a long line of failures.  I was dishonest with people around me, and I was dishonest with myself.  Shame was a feeling and identity that I was becoming familiar.  I selfishly continued to drink to numb the pain and live only for my self.  I was leading a life of sin and shame.

Within a couple of years of me heading down this road of destruction, my grandfather, Olen Walker, died.  This brought me home to Virginia from the army for a couple of weeks.  I was able to spend time with my older brother Derek who was just getting out of the Navy.  We had not seen much of each other as we were both in the military.  Derek and I found that we had much in common.  We really liked to spend time together.  Unfortunately, alcohol was central to our social activities.  Looking back on this, I believe we were both finding the same ways of trying to cope with the death of our mom, and for Derek the death of his father. This time with Derek would take an unexpected dramatic turn that would bring devastation yet again.

Shortly after Derek was honorably discharged from the Navy, I was being honorably discharged from the army with disability for a combat related injury. I was making plans to move back to Virginia.  I barely made it back to Virginia when Derek was killed in an auto accident.  All indications are that he was drinking and driving.  The shock and horror did not end with that news as some other friends/ neighbors, the Chappells, had to take me to the hospital morgue to identify Derek’s body.  It was pretty much the worst single night of my life.  At this point, I was starting to see the consequences of sin. 

After much tumult in the wake of Derek’s death, I moved back to Tennessee to try to find peace of mind.  I was looking for direction, peace, acceptance, and happiness.  I was becoming increasingly aware of the destructive nature of alcohol, but I still consumed alcohol to try to numb the pain. I had no direction.  I was and felt lost.  I felt like a failure, and I believed that I was unworthy and unacceptable in life to be loved. 

God was apparently doing some things in my life at this time that I was completely unaware.  I had moved into an apartment that was next to a pastor.  He was a friendly person, but I kept my distance because I just knew he would not approve of my partying lifestyle.  He had to know about this partying lifestyle as there were always numbers of people drinking at my apartment and out in the parking lot.  Nevertheless, pastor Keith Gebhart remained friendly.  However, I was not getting the hint from God that He was trying to place a godly man in my life.  I kept up my same pattern of trying to escape the pain of my dead loved ones, and I was trying to still find love in unhealthy relationships.  I still felt unworthy as my heart was still empty.  I was wanting more from life.

I had met a couple in a bar who had befriended me.  They were quite the drinkers  themselves.  However, one day they asked me if I would go to church with them.  They told me they found this small church that was kind of out of the way where the pastor was young and friendly.  I said sure, I would visit there with them.  I had been to church as a child, and I believed in God.  I figured this might not be a bad idea.  Well the day I went, I was shocked to see my neighbor, Keith Gebhart, standing in the pulpit.  I don’t know who was more shocked, Keith Gebhart or I.   I had no idea that I was going to my neighbor’s church.  I had lived next to him for about a year and a half, and I had no idea where his church was located.  This is even more interesting as this was in a suburb of Nashville which is the belt buckle of the Bible Belt.  There are churches on most any corner.  It would probably be safe to say that there are hundreds of churches within a 20 minute drive.  What were the odds? 

I have to admit, I was fairly uncomfortable sitting in that church that day.  I just knew that the pastor was on to me. He saw me drunk all of the time.  I figured that he would not think to much of me.  Much less did I think that I would find acceptance in a place such as that.  To my surprise, the pastor Keith Gebhart happily greeted me and told me how happy he was to see me at church.  He even gave me a hug!  I was astonished.  I did not expect that.  This man of God expressed love and acceptance towards me even though he knew the type of person I was. 

Needless to say, I did return for more visits to the Hermitage Church of God.  Each time, Keith Gebhart treated me with acceptance and expressed that he loved me.  God was beginning to tug at my heart.  The sermons the pastor was preaching were beginning to melt my heart.  It was as if the sermons were just for me. 

After visiting for a number of weeks, pastor Keith Gebhart preached a sermon on turning our life over to Christ.  He was saying that sometimes God has to get us to the end of our rope in life in order for us to submit to God.  That was me!  I felt at the end of my rope.  I was lost, empty, and I felt I had no direction in my life.   He made an invitation for any who would to come to the alter to give their life to Christ.  The Holy Spirit stirred my heart, and I went down to that alter and got on my knees before the Lord.  I repented for trying to do life my way.  That was sin, and I confessed it.  I then gave my life to Christ.  I asked Christ to be my savior and Lord.  I felt His spirit come into me at that moment. I began to cry in a way that I had not known.  I was a person who would not cry as I was trying to block out all of the pain in my life.  I experienced God’s love and grace in such a profound way that I cannot even express with words the healing power of His love.  I was so overwhelmed because I had just received a gift that was freely given.  It was something I could not earn or deserve.  God gave me redemption out of His love even though I was an unworthy sinner.  Suddenly, I was aware that the creator of the universe accepted and loved me.  I just had to receive it.  All I could do was stay there on my knees and sob.  It was not a sob of depression nor despair, it was a sob of healing and knowledge of acceptance with the final authority of the universe.  That is The Living God Christ Jesus!

Unbeknownst to me, a small group of members of the church had gathered over me to pray for me.  When I finally did stand, I saw so many eyes full of tears.  These were people that I barely knew.  Nevertheless, the body of Christ was accepting me.  The kingdom of heaven reached down that day and saved my life.  I was receiving the love and acceptance that I had longed for.  It was there all along.  God just had to get my old hard heart to a place where I would accept His grace. 

That is the place where I learned the true meaning of God’s amazing grace.  Jesus came into my heart even though I felt unworthy.  Such awesome love!  At that moment, it was like I entered from darkness into light.  Everything in my life began to finally make some sort of sense.  I now had a purpose.  I was not some creature of happenstance, nor was I a person that felt unlovable by God.  Everything changed that day, and I have not been the same since.  The creator of the universe declared me His son.  At that time I became endowed with all of the rights, privileges, and authority that comes from being a son of the King.  This was all because of what Jesus Christ had done on the cross.  Christ took my sins and gave me His righteousness.  Christ took my death, and He gave me His life.  He was doing that back when I was a child, but I could not understand it at that time.  He died for me when I should have died.

I thank God for the people of Hermitage Church of God.  I especially thank God for Keith Gebhart who took me in and discipled me after I came to Christ.  God really began to do a healing work on my heart.  God began to heal my heart from all of the pain and grief I carried from the death of my mom.  This healing did not happen overnight.  It has taken months and years, but He has been faithful in healing the wounds of my heart.  Through this I came to hold onto and believe Christ’s promise:  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”  (Mat 5:4)  God set me free from the bondage of alcohol. God also used that church body as an instrument of love.  This was healing as well.   

Since that time, I have been on a journey with Christ.  He continues to be faithful even when I am not.  When I mess up, God is there to teach me how to grow in Him.  I am not going to tell you that it has been nothing but a bed of roses since that time.  Sometimes there are valleys, but God stays with me.  However, there have been mountaintops.  I thank God for the mountaintops; however, I have begun to learn to thank God for the valleys. For it is in the valleys where God refines me.  That is were He continues to transform me. I would have it no other way than with Christ.  For in the ways of the world, there is no hope.  There is only a hard life then eternal death.  With God, there may be hard times, but Christians can walk in victory in spite of the hard times because of what Christ has done.